Interview on   Brazilian Station 8  

The brave souls gathered beside the murky bog-water to do battle. Masks down, neoprene body armour donned, an army of eejits waddling through the fields of Monaghan in their flippers to vie for the title of Bog Snorkelling Champion 2011. Any event that requires people to wear flippers is going to be good craic, nobody can look elegant, composed or graceful in flippers. Get Elle McPherson to don a mask, a snorkel and parade around in flippers and she too would look like a tit! Bog snorkelling is one of the last great levelers. The surreal nature of what lay ahead of me was hinted at as I drove through Cootehill and spotted the poster for the pig racing that was taking place later that afternoon; baby pigs complete with plastic jockeys strapped to their backs. Trying to take this information in while Paul ‘Uh Ahh’ McGrath sang ‘Sunday Morning Coming Down’ on the radio, it was becoming clear that David Lynch was directing my day!

The Irish Bog Snorkelling championships take place in a bog-water filled channel, at the bottom of  a field in the wondefully named townland of Doohamlet. It’s sounds even better when said in the Monaghan brogue.There is no doubt that the main purpose of this event is to have fun, whether you’re young, old, local or blow in. Besides the main event, there’s a barbacue, a fine seleciton of liquid refreshmens, a bouncy castle and a selection of weird and wonderful bog snorkelers to mingle with.  The good natured spirit of the event is evident from the moment you arrive, with upbeat banter flowing bewtween everyone in attedence, awaiting to take part in what is refered to locally as “Good clane fun!”; the irony being that you’ll be covered in peat, weeds, creepy crawlies and God only knows what else, as soon as you finish your efforts in the bog water.  The Chef De Quipe of the Tullamore ladies bog-snorkelling team (aka the Tullamore ladies hockey team) told me that her team had been preparing by massaging their calves; I’m not sure how rubbing young cattle might help prepare for bog paddling, but it must have worked cos one of the Offaly lasses took the ladies title! It was 20 quid to have a pop at the title and you got two baby bottles of whiskey, a t-shirt, a certificate and tiny pieces of turf in most orifices of your body. The proceeds of the event went towards raising funds for St. Mary’s hospital in Castleblaney, how can you not take your swimming hat off to that

The craic is that you swim two lengths of the channel, up and back. You can’t use your arms for conventional swimming strokes, underwater doggy paddling is permitted, but it soon became apparent that the best approach is to stretch you arms out in front of you to cut through the water like a torpedo or tugboat, whatever the case may be.  As you make your way along the channel, the Master of Ceremonies for the days events, follows you along the bank with a microphone, giving you both encouragement and abuse in equal measures. This fella is funny! Here’s some of his classics from the days commentary:

Addressing a snorkeller from Cavan (reputedly the meanest people in Ireland)… “G’wan ya hoor ya,  there’s a fiver down at the other end”.

 Encouraging a folically challanged competitor from Altlanta, Georgia…“This bog-water can cure baldness John, is chaper than fake tan, but unfortunately it can’t cure being American”.

Egging on a young girl who was finding the challenge a bit much… “I’d say the world record is safe, I’m after growing a fecking beard”.

As a spaniel leapt into the bog after a competitor… “G’wan ya dog ya!”.

When my turn came, I tore into it and didn’t do too bad. I was topping the leader board there for a while, but a U.S. Marine, a duracell bunny like German and a series of experienced boggers knocked me down into sixth place. I thought that was a respectable enough showing for my first stab at doing lengths in a bog though!? And before you ask, as more than one cynic has, there was more than 6 people competing ;-P When it was all wrapped up, it was off to the local in Castleblaney for the prize giving and liberal administering of liquid refreshments, only to take the take the taste of bog-water out of our mouths don’t you know Music on the night was provided by “The Cheesy Bitches”. Perfect! I’m hoping to do much better next year! Some people run with the bulls in Pamplona, some bungee jump in New Zeland, but lads, ye haven’t lived until you’ve snorkelled in a bog in Monaghan.

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